Searching for the Light

I can’t see it yet, the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it’s there. I am trying my best to stay positive and not dwell on all this drama. But it is most definitely hard! I know I will figure this out, it just sucks right now. So I am trying to stay busy, not working by the way, yet all I want to do is cry! 

I hate the fact that I feel like a failure, although I am most definitely not. It’s my brain playing tricks on me. I hate this feeling!

So here I sit alone again, with nothing but my thoughts. One of the kids is sleeping, and the other is playing with his friends. So I have ample time to sit and think about my life. Where do I go from here? What’s in store for me? I’m not quite sure, but I must keep moving forward. Baby steps!

If only I could convince myself to just let this go….I am not a a patient person, and the stress all this mess is causing is driving me even crazier! My life feels like it’s a teeter totter. One minute things are going well, the next I feel like my feet have been knocked out from underneath me. 

So what do you do when you feel uncertain?

You ride it out and wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. There’s no magical potion that will make this any better, and me dwelling on it is certainly making it worse. I am here though, to weather this storm. Did I mention how bad this sucks?

I feel like I’m moving at snail speed. No matter how hard I try, there’s always that one thing that brings me back down to this madness. 

Ever feel like you’re a burden? Well, that’s how I feel….
 

Feeling Defeated…

So it’s been bad news after bad news the past 2 days….

I’m hoping I’ve just figured it out but until I hear back, I’m just kinda stuck wondering what’s gonna happen. I hate uncertainty! It brings about all kinds of chaos in my head. Anxiety is in full swing right now…

Hoping and wishing on a star that things will change soon, but until then I’ll sit and worry….Knowing full good and well that it won’t change anything, but this news stuff is a serious game changer here. 

I am left feeling defeated and inadequate. This blows in more ways than one. I am left stuck in a hard spot and am unsure which direction to go. Until things change, I am stuck at home. Which sucks all by itsself, because it’s not like I’m not here enough already as it is.

I know that this is temporary, but why me? 

I thought things were going smoothly for once, and out of left field here this comes. I am beyond stressed so I’ll  leave you with one question…

What’s your one go to stress reliever? 

 
  

Quilting: Is It Therapy

So I feel everyone who is mentally ill should find a great therapist. Therapy is a great way and place to talk through what bothers you in your life. I have a great therapist! We have great conversations, and he is very motivating.

But sometimes, you just need something you occupy your time. Sometime time to yourself. Well, I’m a quilter! It’s like my quiet time to not think, just go and be creative. It’s a difficult task sometimes.

I can’t tell you how badly I’ve cut the tip of my finger off, accidentally of course, and many other trips to the ER! Most recent quilting accident was just 2 short months ago. I was having surgery the next day, and was stressed and needed some time to get out of my own head.  Well, of course, it ended with a trip to the ER…

Here’s one of my creations.

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So is quilting therapy?

For me, it is! I love to quilt, it’s a  great distraction for me I get lost in my quilting for hours sometimes. It’s a great escape from my own crazy thoughts.

So do you have a hobby that you use to escape the real world?

It’s Pure Torture: Why it Chose Me…

I don’t have a clue why it chose me, my mental illness…Guess it thought I was strong enough to endure (and yes, I know and am aware that these types of things don’t choose people). I don’t know why it chose me, I’m not as strong as I would like to be. But strong enough to endure this mess, I guess, and that takes a really strong person. So yeah, in a sense I guess you could say I am strong! 

Strong enough to endure all the trials and tribulations that have led me to this point in my life. Strong enough to endure being an orphan as a child, strong enough to endure the numerous counts of molestation. Strong enough to endure the countless mood swings and the not so fun insecurities of being mentally ill. Strong enough to endure the never ending, non stop roller coaster of emotions that come with my illness. 

 So although I feel weak, there is strength buried deep within…

I just have to push through this moment and overcome! I will overcome all this madness that life likes to throw at me. Doesn’t mean my life’s easy, nothing worth doing is ever easy! I do it so I can be there for all those who need me, mainly my kids and my family.  Without them, I am not sure where I would be. 

I am strong enough! I love my life, and everything that it entails!

Here’s to the strongest people I know, to those who fight the daily struggle to adapt and overcome your own thoughts! Those who get up every day to keep fighting something that so badly makes your want to give up. I’m not one to give up, I may take a step back. But I refuse to let my illness win! 

So here’s why my mental illness chose me. It chose me because I am a person who no matter how hard things get, I won’t quit! It chose me because, ya know what, life throws you lemons sometimes. It chose me because I am a strong enough! It chose me because….I’m not really sure! But I am blessed! No matter how you look at life, remember you are blessed.

So no matter what I think, say, or do….

I am strong and I am enough! 
 

In a Black Hole

Not feeling well today, slept for 12+ hours. Want to go back to bed! But I must adult today. As badly as I don’t want to, I think I am going to go for a short run. Try to get my head right, the fiance is leaving for work in a few hours. So I’ve got til then to start feeling more like a human! 

I hate how I never know what, when or how this crap happens and creeps in to land at my feet….. it’s like, hahahahaha I got you! You aren’t allowed to feel normal for too long. I have to put you in your place, so here be depressed today! 

I hate not being able to function, I’ve been up for 3 hrs now and still haven’t had the energy to shower or get dressed. All I want is to cuddle up under all my heavy quilts and just be cozy, comfortable and go back to sleep. 

 There are so many different things I should be doing. Washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping the floors. But yall know what, its doubtful it’ll get done today. And yall know what eelse, that’s OK! Because luckily I did all those things yesterday….Yeah, while I felt normal! 

So here goes nothing….

Off to run! Then shower.

End of Winter, Spring Brings New Beginnings

So today is the last day of Winter, so out with the old and in with the new. I have decided that I will be running my first 5k this fall. So here it is almost springtime and I can’t wait to get outisde. I’ve been going to the gym for about a month now, well except for while we were on vacation. I am ready to start running, or so I think anyways….

So I can’t wait for the weather to make up its flipping mind. 

I can’t wait to start pushing myself more and more until I can actually run 1 mile without feeling like I am going to faint. We have a beautiful Greenway running beside the river through town, and I can’t wait to start running there. It is paved and well lit, though I doubt seriously that I will be doing any running outisde that late at night. 

I am ready to do this 5k, I know I won’t be the fastest. I just want to finish! It isn’t a medal winning 5k, and there will be plenty of people walking. So if I can’t run the whole way, no biggie. This was one of my bucket list items! I am making several life change so I can get to that moment. 

My kids think that since we were swimming last week, that they should be able to swim here…So they are ready for the weather to start changing too.  I’m ready for our weekly adventure to resume. It’s like our family time during the summer. The fiance works crazy hours from May to October, so we take 1 of his days off an go on a day long adventure. 

I’m ready for bonfires & barbeques….Patiently waiting for July 4th! That’s my favorite holiday, I love fireworks! Easter Sunday isn’t far away, that’s a favorite for the kids. The kids are another year older. My how the time flys!  I ready for camping trips! And fishing… 

So what do you have planned for the summer? 

What are your ready for?

Dr Seuss Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Hey y’all…Just wanted to throw out some inspirational quotes today..These are from my favorite children’s author of all time! So some of these quotes really make me happy. Hope they make you smile also. Enjoy!

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Dr. Seuss

 “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
Dr. Seuss

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
Dr. Seuss

“Being crazy isn’t enough.”
Dr. Seuss

“You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So… get on your way!”
Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”
Dr. Seuss

“I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent!”
Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg

“Think and wonder, wonder and think.”
Dr. Seuss

“Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.”
Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat (Deluxe Edition)

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.”
Dr. Seuss

“Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!”
Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

“When you think things are bad,
when you feel sour and blue,
when you start to get mad…
you should do what I do!
Just tell yourself, Duckie,
you’re really quite lucky!
Some people are much more…
oh, ever so much more…
oh, muchly much-much more
unlucky than you!”
Dr. Seuss, Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?

“You are you that is truer than true”
Dr. Seuss

“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”
Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

“Oh, the thinks you can think!”
Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!

“Not here not there not anywhere!”
Dr. Seuss

“Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind maker-upper to make up his mind”
Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

“It doesn’t matter what it is.What matters is what it will become.”
Dr. Seuss

So before I go any further, I have to say that I absolutely love GoodReads! This site is where I got these quotes. It is packed full of quotes, books, and the like.

So which quote is your favorite?

Friday Poetry: Guest Post, by Ruman Hafsa

Today’s Friday Poetry is brought to you by Ruman Hafsa.

Ruman Hafsa is a 20 year old student, studying Pharmacy. She is currently in his 3rd year! Ruman lives in India. Her motto is, “A rhythm of poetry is not just the rhyming of words, but the inner voice of poet’s heart.”

Here is her poem his titled I wonder.

I Wonder…

I wonder what these clouds are
A veil or an illusion
Concealing away the blinking stars
Fading away the moon & sun

I wonder where the birds fly to
And where do they come from
Soaring together
I wonder what do they hum

I wonder what the lightening is
Welding the broken sky somewhere?
And what is the thunderous noise I hark
Dacoits firing guns in some affair?

I wonder who painted the sky blue
And who puts the rainbow there
Where the sun sleeps at night
And who blows the vibrant air

I wonder these things & many more
But do not have innuendo to
I ask them about it, they say “don’t know”
I don’t fathom how to solve without a clue…

© by Ruman Hafsa

So I’d like to take a minute and thank Ruman for her poem. For me, it is very moving! I truly do appreciate her letting me use it.

Follow her on Google Plus account here, Ruman Hafsa, click on her name. Visit her there for more of her awesome poems.

So what do you think? Like it? Love it? Or dislike it?

Post Vacation Blues: Why I Hate My Mental Illness

So we have been home for 3 days now, today was back to work day for the fiance. I am struggling with the silence, wishing life had a rewind. I was so ready to come home by Saturday, now I am wishing I had lived up the vacation more.  I kept thinking about all the things I wanted to do, but by the time we got to the last 2 days I was not functioning properly. So not much got done, although we did have a nice cookout the day before we left.

I was also so exhausted, ever tried sleeping somewhere new and not being able to sleep? Well that is exactly what happened. I slept a total of maybe 30 hours while we were gone. That’s like 5 hrs a night!

I was up all night the day before we left so excited to be leaving, and also up all night the night before we left for home. I was extremely excited to get home! Irony at its finest, right! I am so upset that I feel like we missed out on 2 days of our vacation because of me…

I hate having a mental illness! Although it is a common occurrence now, mental illness is still rarely talked about… See the infographic below from NAMI, also go to their website to view the full infographic. Mental illness is still something that takes away even the most insignificant things. It also can become a serious life-changer for those unable to receive treatment…


Image result for mental health infographics for blogs


I feel like I have robbed my entire family of what should’ve been a great time because of my own issues. I feel like a failure for taking away something that was intended to be a joyous time. I feel like I should have been happy, yet I feel like my illness robbed me of my vacation. The incident with the car set me into overdrive, which I think played a big factor into all my emotions while there.

Everyone had a great time though, or so they say!

Now I sit here wishing and wondering what I could’ve done differently! I know in my mind I should be grateful, but how do you let the bad thoughts outweigh the good when everything  seems to have gone so wrong. I guess with all the hustle and bustle over, I am feeling pretty down on myself. Hoping and praying I could feel and get better, but knowing that isn’t possible.

So today I hate my mental illness for making me feel like poo….For making me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. For making me miss out on so many good and wonderful opportunities.

Now if you’d ask my kids and fiance if the vacation was a success, they would all tell you yes. That they had a great time! I don’t know why I let my mind get the better of me when I am sitting in silence. But it happens every time!

So how do I overcome these emotions? Well, it usually takes a finite amount of positive praise for me to feel like everything that I’ve done hasn’t been an epic failure…Thankfully my fiance is great at knowing just what to say to make me feel better!  So as I sit here talking to him via Facebook. I realize that everything was a success and that he is proud of how things turned out.

Sometimes I have to get my own head out of my own head too. This is usually accomplished by an extreme exercise routine or quilting. So as I sit here realizing it isn’t as bad as I think it is, I feel more at ease. This vacation destination was my idea,  now he can’t wait to get to go to his vacation destination.

So how do you overcome negative self-talk and/or emotions?

 

 

What is Bipolar Disorder?

***I am not a medical professional!!*** Please consult your Doctor if you have any concerns about your mental health!!

Bipolar disorder is a debilitating mental health disorder. I am going to go through today and give you a rundown of what it is and how it affects my life, since this is my mental health diagnosis.

Here is some information on Bipolar Disorder from the National Institute of Mental Health!

There are 4 types of bipolar disorder: bipolar type 1, bipolar type 2, Other Specified and Unspecified Bipolar and related disorders, and cyclothymic disorder (also called cyclothymia). Any one of these mental health issues can leave a person defeated, and/or feeling broken.


 

Bipolar Type 1: Bipolar type 1 is characterized by having manic episodes lasting at least 7 days, or in some instances where it is so severe that the individual needs hospitalization. Depressive episodes also occur, lasting a minimum of two weeks. Also there have been instances where both (manic and depressive incidents) have occurred at the same time.

Bipolar Type 2: Bipolar type 2 is defined by a pattern of hypomanic (not like the full blown mania described above) and depressive episodes.

Cyclothymic Disorder (also called cyclothymia): Cyclothymia is described as several instances of depressive and hypomanic symptoms, which don’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis described above.

Other Specified and Unspecified Bipolar and Related Disorders–  this is defined as a disorder not meeting any of the criteria described above.


 

Here is a great infographic from Mental Health America on Bipolar Disorder!

Life with Bipolar

 


 

So how does Bipolar affect my life? Well bipolar is my main diagnosis, but the other diagnoses do affect me too. Anxiety is no joke either!! PTSD is also a game-changer, causing flashbacks and stuff.

For me though, bipolar makes some days hard. Hard for me to get out of bed, and yet other days I never make it to bed. I have periods of time where I am so depressed I go days without showering. I have periods of time where I can clean and clean and clean. Other days it is a chore to wash the dishes and/or the laundry. But thanks to my medications, I am usually a functioning person. That’s not to say I don’t have my bad days, trust me they do come. But that also means that I have my good days to counterbalance the bad days. It affects how I think, what I do, and how I do it. I am so self conscious because of my mental illness that it causes me to go and do normal, everyday things very late at night. I go to the gym at midnight, have been known to go to Wal-Mart really late at night too. I feel like either people are staring/talking about me or judging me somehow. I have no desire to go out into crowded places, restaurants and things of that nature because of my severe anxiety.

If you are worried about or needing professional help, please don’t hesitate to contact your doctor!!! They are not there to make you feel worse, they are there to provide assistance and help you!


 

Finally, here is an infographic on getting help and taking charge of your life from NAMI!!

 

Infographic of Taking Charge of Your Mental Health


 

Have a mental illness? If so, how does it affect your life? Feel free to say as little or as much as you’d like to share!

If you don’t have a mental illnesses, does a friend or family member?

How do you help them?