Day 1 of 365: Outside My Window

Happy New Year! It’s the end of the first day of 2018. Its frigid cold, but its only half dark with the full Moon and all its bright light! We had a light dusting of snow that caused sheer madness for a bit yesterday. The roads got extremely bad rather quickly, but thankfully it’s all gone now. 

Today it has been bitter cold out, our high not rising above 30 degrees with the low in the teens. I don’t mind the cold, if there’s snow, but all this frigid cold weather and no snow makes for long days. Our time outside has been minimal, the dog doesn’t even waste any time doing his business.  

I can honestly say….I’d love to be on a beach, somewhere where its sunny and 75. But that aint happening!

Anyways, our Christmas was amazing! The kids had such a wonderful day. I got a huge surprise, a new puppy has entered our lives! He is 7 months old, and weighs about 45 lbs. I have spent the better part of the past week learning who he is and how he operates. It has been utter chaos at times, but he is settling in nicely. I think he is going to be the perfect addition to our family. 

In other news, I am loving my new medicine. I feel so much better. Still battling my way out of a deep, dark hole but I’m making progress. I am looking forward to this next week, I have family moving back into town that I haven’t seen in years. It’s one of those family that aint blood type situations. 

Well, I am off til tomorrow! 

Good night! 

ETA: This is day one of a 365 day writing challenge. The master list can be found here.

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Christmas Eve 2017

Here we are, its the day before Christmas and I couldnt be more excited. I know I wont get any sleep tonight, but tomorrow morning will be worth it. I cant wait to see their faces! 

I think as the kids get older, and their gifts get more expensive for us. I think we are going to transition away from actual gifts. I want them to have more life experiences. Small vacations and trips so they can see new things, or visiting and helping those less fortunate.  We will be buying them 4 gifts and thats it. They each will get these gifts: something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. And all the money we dont spend on gifts will go towards our adventure. 

It just seems like they only play with certain toys, and I say my house is filled with too many toys. Its not that they have too many, but our living situation doesnt give us enough space. Sometimes I feel like my house is a toy store.  We already do out with the old and in with the new. But the 4yo wants toys that arent small per say.

On to other news, I feel so much better. I feel like a normal person should. I think anyways….The side effects from the other meds are starting to go away.  Im truly grateful for that! The new meds are still leaving me a lil bit foggy-headed. Overall, I feel more normal now than I have in a good, long while though.  My mood swings have definitely leveled out. Things seem to be falling into place perfectly. 

Well, with that…..Im outta here.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Holiday Fun

Today has been awesome! We had Christmas at my moms today, it was a very wonderful day. The boys are playing peacefully, which is a country miracle. They having a wonderful time with their new toys. This next week is full of holiday fun. 

In other news, I am a little uncertain what to do at my next drs appointment on Thursday. I feel like the side effects are becoming too bad, but Im afraid to change my medicine around this time of year. January and February are harder than normal for me. And I dont need a med change added into the mix. 

And its almost January, my birthday is coming! On top of all the other issues I have with January….

Im still not letting it get to me, or so I keep telling myself….

Besides, its almost Christmas! Im waiting patiently. Or maybe I’m not… I can’t wait to see their faces. The youngest saw Santa today, up close and personal. We happened to run into a Saint named Nicholas, who was the greatest Santa Claus ever. He made my little boy feel so special!

Have you seen Santa this year?

Overwhelmed and Defeated

So I had a horrible day! Getting it from every direction today…

Why does the littlest thing push me to my breaking point? I refuse to be a stepping stone, crutch, or anything else of the sort. But, here I sit feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I am unsure what I did to deserve this. 

Yet, I knew it would come to this. I feel no matter what I do, nothing is right! And, slowly but surely its gonna make me snap. I hate these kind of feelings! Nothing I say or do will effect me positively…so for now, Im giving up! 

No matter what you do, you will no longer control me. You lost that priviledge years ago. But, know you’re causing hurt that might not be repairable! On more than one account too, but you dont care. Its always about you, you were never the one to see things outside of the box.
Hoping todays events will fade into the night peacefully! Tomorrow is a new day.

Good night all…

End of Winter, Spring Brings New Beginnings

So today is the last day of Winter, so out with the old and in with the new. I have decided that I will be running my first 5k this fall. So here it is almost springtime and I can’t wait to get outisde. I’ve been going to the gym for about a month now, well except for while we were on vacation. I am ready to start running, or so I think anyways….

So I can’t wait for the weather to make up its flipping mind. 

I can’t wait to start pushing myself more and more until I can actually run 1 mile without feeling like I am going to faint. We have a beautiful Greenway running beside the river through town, and I can’t wait to start running there. It is paved and well lit, though I doubt seriously that I will be doing any running outisde that late at night. 

I am ready to do this 5k, I know I won’t be the fastest. I just want to finish! It isn’t a medal winning 5k, and there will be plenty of people walking. So if I can’t run the whole way, no biggie. This was one of my bucket list items! I am making several life change so I can get to that moment. 

My kids think that since we were swimming last week, that they should be able to swim here…So they are ready for the weather to start changing too.  I’m ready for our weekly adventure to resume. It’s like our family time during the summer. The fiance works crazy hours from May to October, so we take 1 of his days off an go on a day long adventure. 

I’m ready for bonfires & barbeques….Patiently waiting for July 4th! That’s my favorite holiday, I love fireworks! Easter Sunday isn’t far away, that’s a favorite for the kids. The kids are another year older. My how the time flys!  I ready for camping trips! And fishing… 

So what do you have planned for the summer? 

What are your ready for?

Post Vacation Blues: Why I Hate My Mental Illness

So we have been home for 3 days now, today was back to work day for the fiance. I am struggling with the silence, wishing life had a rewind. I was so ready to come home by Saturday, now I am wishing I had lived up the vacation more.  I kept thinking about all the things I wanted to do, but by the time we got to the last 2 days I was not functioning properly. So not much got done, although we did have a nice cookout the day before we left.

I was also so exhausted, ever tried sleeping somewhere new and not being able to sleep? Well that is exactly what happened. I slept a total of maybe 30 hours while we were gone. That’s like 5 hrs a night!

I was up all night the day before we left so excited to be leaving, and also up all night the night before we left for home. I was extremely excited to get home! Irony at its finest, right! I am so upset that I feel like we missed out on 2 days of our vacation because of me…

I hate having a mental illness! Although it is a common occurrence now, mental illness is still rarely talked about… See the infographic below from NAMI, also go to their website to view the full infographic. Mental illness is still something that takes away even the most insignificant things. It also can become a serious life-changer for those unable to receive treatment…


Image result for mental health infographics for blogs


I feel like I have robbed my entire family of what should’ve been a great time because of my own issues. I feel like a failure for taking away something that was intended to be a joyous time. I feel like I should have been happy, yet I feel like my illness robbed me of my vacation. The incident with the car set me into overdrive, which I think played a big factor into all my emotions while there.

Everyone had a great time though, or so they say!

Now I sit here wishing and wondering what I could’ve done differently! I know in my mind I should be grateful, but how do you let the bad thoughts outweigh the good when everything  seems to have gone so wrong. I guess with all the hustle and bustle over, I am feeling pretty down on myself. Hoping and praying I could feel and get better, but knowing that isn’t possible.

So today I hate my mental illness for making me feel like poo….For making me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. For making me miss out on so many good and wonderful opportunities.

Now if you’d ask my kids and fiance if the vacation was a success, they would all tell you yes. That they had a great time! I don’t know why I let my mind get the better of me when I am sitting in silence. But it happens every time!

So how do I overcome these emotions? Well, it usually takes a finite amount of positive praise for me to feel like everything that I’ve done hasn’t been an epic failure…Thankfully my fiance is great at knowing just what to say to make me feel better!  So as I sit here talking to him via Facebook. I realize that everything was a success and that he is proud of how things turned out.

Sometimes I have to get my own head out of my own head too. This is usually accomplished by an extreme exercise routine or quilting. So as I sit here realizing it isn’t as bad as I think it is, I feel more at ease. This vacation destination was my idea,  now he can’t wait to get to go to his vacation destination.

So how do you overcome negative self-talk and/or emotions?

 

 

Adventures While Vacationing

So today has totally been a serious adventure, our car decided to quit running. Been sitting at the car service center all day, 40 miles away from our hotel. Finally got a rental! Now resting comfortably…

So today is a firm reminder for me that everyday is an adventure! Today could’ve been one of those days where everything that could go wrong, did…..I could’ve sworn today would have ended badly as quick as it went downhill. Luckily we were great planners, and had the ability to have our car repaired. Should be done Thursday, have the rental for up to a week. 

So as bad as I wanted to let this ruin my week. I kept a positive outlook, all things considered this was very difficult, and everything ended well. Yesterday, after our arrival, we enjoyed  a very warm pool at the hotel. And I believe tomorrow is going to be great! We are taking an adventure to a national forest where there’s a natural spring, the water there is a constant 72 degrees. Snorkeling and swimming is on the agenda.  

We totally had a long ride down, luckily the kids slept most of the way. The adults were up for like 40 hours straight. That has seriously affected my mental health these past few days. Sleep will not be a problem for me tonight, no sleeping medicine will be required. I am so happy! Even though today did not go as planned, we made the best of it. To be honest, I am just happy to be running around outside in shorts, and being able to go swimming outside is fun too. 

There were times where the fear of the unknown caused me o want to cancel this vacation, now I am not saying I didn’t want to come. I totally did! But I just hate the feeling and fear of the unkown. Just look what happened today, the unexpected is likely not to occur but obviously can. If you put all of your eggs in one basket, like I have previously done, this could’ve been disastrous!  

Has anyone had anything similar happen while on vacation? 

I’d love to hear your story. 

Backpack vs Suitcase: Which are You?

Well, I just got home from the gym….And the vacation countdown has officially started!!

I will be packing soon, and well I got to wondering. Who uses a suitcase? Or do you use a backpack? I have used both and find that a backpack is easier and more suitable for us. I find that the extra pockets are great for smaller and important stuff. That all of our clothes, if folded neatly, will fit into a backpack quite nicely.

A suitcase for me is an extra bulky item, especially when you drive a compact hatchback car, that doesn’t really serve its purpose unless you intend on being gone for an extended period of time. For me, I don’t need 10 outfits a day. I am content with a few pairs of jeans, a ton of tank tops/t-shirts, and my flip flops…My kids have mini-sized backpacks, that is what they are using for the trip.

I don’t understand why I would choose to pay $25+ for a suitcase when we already have various backpacks strewn all about the house. It is not logical or frugal in my humble opinion. A backpack has so many uses! We use them on picnics, short day hikes, for school, for just about anything and everything. Bring out the backpacks!! Time to pack them up.

So as I sit here at 3 am contemplating how we are going to manage getting everything done that needs to be done in the next 48 hours. 2 more days of punching a time-card. Cleaning out the car. Packing bags into the car. ┬áStill got to go shopping for food on the way down, yes I am cheap! Then cleaning up the house before we leave so I don’t come home to a dirty house. I am very grateful for this opportunity but man I am going to need a day of rest our first day there. And then pow, it hits me….I cant believe it!!! 48 hours and we will be on our merry way! I will be up half the night tonight trying to do what I can tonight. Packing our “backpacks” is one of those things.

So which do you prefer? Suitcase or backpack? Do you mind explaining why?

Adventures and Adversity

So here we are 3 days away from our family vacation….

I’m really excited, yet nervous! We haven’t been on vacation in so long. I’m not sure what or how things are going to play out. Fear of the unknown is a big factor here, I hate not knowing. At least when we are home, I know what to expect. Uncertainties are aplenty at this moment. 

I’m doing laundry now so that the packing can be done. And the adventure we are about to undertake is certainly going to be one for the record books. Even if only in our eyes, we rarely get to go on vacation. So this is something we are all looking forward to, and kinda impatiently waiting….

Adversity and adventures are an everyday factor in life. It is all about how you adapt and overcome. I choose to be happy and roll with the punches. Neither are something that should stop you! “Everyday is an adventure!”, that’s my lifelong motto. 

When you find yourself wondering what tomorrow brings, be grateful for today. Tomorrow is never promised! Love those who love you today, don’t forget a that at any moment everything can change. Choose wisely! Once this minute is gone, it will never be gotten back. Stop and cherish every moment!

Life is a roller-coaster, I am my own roller-coaster! There are plenty of good times to be had. This vacation will be another wonderful, lifelong memory! 

Been on vacation lately?  Did you have a lot of fun? 

Please do share!

Everlasting Love

So you ever just felt a connection with someone from the first minute you meet them? You just know that this is the person you were meant to find your whole life….Well I found him! He’s a great guy! He’s funny, smart, and handsome. He’s a great father! But all things aside, what happens when Mr. Perfect isn’t so perfect for you anymore? Do you stay and work it out, or leave and hope that you can be amicable for the kids?  This is my current situation….

I thought everything was fine! Turns out he was actually very miserable on the inside and just didn’t know how to tell me. So now it’s day 4 without him; I’m not sure if I’m more hurt, sad, or relieved? Do you really think it’s possible to pick yourself up off the ground this quickly? Especially after you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on? I wonder if subconsciously I needed the same relief? I thought everything was semi-ok….yes we’ve been having a few issues the past year or so but I had no idea it was this bad. I always chalked it up to my psychotic mind! Or meds needing to be adjusted slightly….

Now here I sit, alone and lonely. Trying to be strong for my boys while emotionally I feel so broken! I’ve had my fair share of tears come lately, and ya know what? I’ve realized I’m better and stronger than this! I can do this, he thinks I can’t but surely he will be surprised to see my rock this sheer insanity! I’m a survivor, after all I’ve been through, and I will pick up the pieces and move on. It may take me several months to get back right and stable on my own two feet again, but I promise you one things for sure. You can’t hold down a determined woman, and especially a Mother!

Love has a way of blinding you! It makes it impossible to see all those small imperfections that drive you insane. I am not sure that I wanted this but possibly I needed it. I’m not saying I’m glad he’s gone, in fact I’m more miserable than I have been in a while! You don’t go from living with and loving someone of 5 years to instantly hating them. I can’t even fathom hating him. He’s been the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. But it had become apparent that we just can’t live together. He saved us from the darkest depths of hell!! But alas, a promise that did not mean enough to him and has now shattered me…Promising someone forever is now not a saying that I will ever believe again.

 

So how do you cope after a break-up?

Mad and crying, or rearing to go and ready to move on?