Day 1 of 365: Outside My Window

Happy New Year! It’s the end of the first day of 2018. Its frigid cold, but its only half dark with the full Moon and all its bright light! We had a light dusting of snow that caused sheer madness for a bit yesterday. The roads got extremely bad rather quickly, but thankfully it’s all gone now. 

Today it has been bitter cold out, our high not rising above 30 degrees with the low in the teens. I don’t mind the cold, if there’s snow, but all this frigid cold weather and no snow makes for long days. Our time outside has been minimal, the dog doesn’t even waste any time doing his business.  

I can honestly say….I’d love to be on a beach, somewhere where its sunny and 75. But that aint happening!

Anyways, our Christmas was amazing! The kids had such a wonderful day. I got a huge surprise, a new puppy has entered our lives! He is 7 months old, and weighs about 45 lbs. I have spent the better part of the past week learning who he is and how he operates. It has been utter chaos at times, but he is settling in nicely. I think he is going to be the perfect addition to our family. 

In other news, I am loving my new medicine. I feel so much better. Still battling my way out of a deep, dark hole but I’m making progress. I am looking forward to this next week, I have family moving back into town that I haven’t seen in years. It’s one of those family that aint blood type situations. 

Well, I am off til tomorrow! 

Good night! 

ETA: This is day one of a 365 day writing challenge. The master list can be found here.

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Christmas Eve 2017

Here we are, its the day before Christmas and I couldnt be more excited. I know I wont get any sleep tonight, but tomorrow morning will be worth it. I cant wait to see their faces! 

I think as the kids get older, and their gifts get more expensive for us. I think we are going to transition away from actual gifts. I want them to have more life experiences. Small vacations and trips so they can see new things, or visiting and helping those less fortunate.  We will be buying them 4 gifts and thats it. They each will get these gifts: something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. And all the money we dont spend on gifts will go towards our adventure. 

It just seems like they only play with certain toys, and I say my house is filled with too many toys. Its not that they have too many, but our living situation doesnt give us enough space. Sometimes I feel like my house is a toy store.  We already do out with the old and in with the new. But the 4yo wants toys that arent small per say.

On to other news, I feel so much better. I feel like a normal person should. I think anyways….The side effects from the other meds are starting to go away.  Im truly grateful for that! The new meds are still leaving me a lil bit foggy-headed. Overall, I feel more normal now than I have in a good, long while though.  My mood swings have definitely leveled out. Things seem to be falling into place perfectly. 

Well, with that…..Im outta here.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Holiday Fun

Today has been awesome! We had Christmas at my moms today, it was a very wonderful day. The boys are playing peacefully, which is a country miracle. They having a wonderful time with their new toys. This next week is full of holiday fun. 

In other news, I am a little uncertain what to do at my next drs appointment on Thursday. I feel like the side effects are becoming too bad, but Im afraid to change my medicine around this time of year. January and February are harder than normal for me. And I dont need a med change added into the mix. 

And its almost January, my birthday is coming! On top of all the other issues I have with January….

Im still not letting it get to me, or so I keep telling myself….

Besides, its almost Christmas! Im waiting patiently. Or maybe I’m not… I can’t wait to see their faces. The youngest saw Santa today, up close and personal. We happened to run into a Saint named Nicholas, who was the greatest Santa Claus ever. He made my little boy feel so special!

Have you seen Santa this year?

Post Vacation Blues: Why I Hate My Mental Illness

So we have been home for 3 days now, today was back to work day for the fiance. I am struggling with the silence, wishing life had a rewind. I was so ready to come home by Saturday, now I am wishing I had lived up the vacation more.  I kept thinking about all the things I wanted to do, but by the time we got to the last 2 days I was not functioning properly. So not much got done, although we did have a nice cookout the day before we left.

I was also so exhausted, ever tried sleeping somewhere new and not being able to sleep? Well that is exactly what happened. I slept a total of maybe 30 hours while we were gone. That’s like 5 hrs a night!

I was up all night the day before we left so excited to be leaving, and also up all night the night before we left for home. I was extremely excited to get home! Irony at its finest, right! I am so upset that I feel like we missed out on 2 days of our vacation because of me…

I hate having a mental illness! Although it is a common occurrence now, mental illness is still rarely talked about… See the infographic below from NAMI, also go to their website to view the full infographic. Mental illness is still something that takes away even the most insignificant things. It also can become a serious life-changer for those unable to receive treatment…


Image result for mental health infographics for blogs


I feel like I have robbed my entire family of what should’ve been a great time because of my own issues. I feel like a failure for taking away something that was intended to be a joyous time. I feel like I should have been happy, yet I feel like my illness robbed me of my vacation. The incident with the car set me into overdrive, which I think played a big factor into all my emotions while there.

Everyone had a great time though, or so they say!

Now I sit here wishing and wondering what I could’ve done differently! I know in my mind I should be grateful, but how do you let the bad thoughts outweigh the good when everything  seems to have gone so wrong. I guess with all the hustle and bustle over, I am feeling pretty down on myself. Hoping and praying I could feel and get better, but knowing that isn’t possible.

So today I hate my mental illness for making me feel like poo….For making me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. For making me miss out on so many good and wonderful opportunities.

Now if you’d ask my kids and fiance if the vacation was a success, they would all tell you yes. That they had a great time! I don’t know why I let my mind get the better of me when I am sitting in silence. But it happens every time!

So how do I overcome these emotions? Well, it usually takes a finite amount of positive praise for me to feel like everything that I’ve done hasn’t been an epic failure…Thankfully my fiance is great at knowing just what to say to make me feel better!  So as I sit here talking to him via Facebook. I realize that everything was a success and that he is proud of how things turned out.

Sometimes I have to get my own head out of my own head too. This is usually accomplished by an extreme exercise routine or quilting. So as I sit here realizing it isn’t as bad as I think it is, I feel more at ease. This vacation destination was my idea,  now he can’t wait to get to go to his vacation destination.

So how do you overcome negative self-talk and/or emotions?

 

 

Everlasting Love

So you ever just felt a connection with someone from the first minute you meet them? You just know that this is the person you were meant to find your whole life….Well I found him! He’s a great guy! He’s funny, smart, and handsome. He’s a great father! But all things aside, what happens when Mr. Perfect isn’t so perfect for you anymore? Do you stay and work it out, or leave and hope that you can be amicable for the kids?  This is my current situation….

I thought everything was fine! Turns out he was actually very miserable on the inside and just didn’t know how to tell me. So now it’s day 4 without him; I’m not sure if I’m more hurt, sad, or relieved? Do you really think it’s possible to pick yourself up off the ground this quickly? Especially after you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on? I wonder if subconsciously I needed the same relief? I thought everything was semi-ok….yes we’ve been having a few issues the past year or so but I had no idea it was this bad. I always chalked it up to my psychotic mind! Or meds needing to be adjusted slightly….

Now here I sit, alone and lonely. Trying to be strong for my boys while emotionally I feel so broken! I’ve had my fair share of tears come lately, and ya know what? I’ve realized I’m better and stronger than this! I can do this, he thinks I can’t but surely he will be surprised to see my rock this sheer insanity! I’m a survivor, after all I’ve been through, and I will pick up the pieces and move on. It may take me several months to get back right and stable on my own two feet again, but I promise you one things for sure. You can’t hold down a determined woman, and especially a Mother!

Love has a way of blinding you! It makes it impossible to see all those small imperfections that drive you insane. I am not sure that I wanted this but possibly I needed it. I’m not saying I’m glad he’s gone, in fact I’m more miserable than I have been in a while! You don’t go from living with and loving someone of 5 years to instantly hating them. I can’t even fathom hating him. He’s been the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. But it had become apparent that we just can’t live together. He saved us from the darkest depths of hell!! But alas, a promise that did not mean enough to him and has now shattered me…Promising someone forever is now not a saying that I will ever believe again.

 

So how do you cope after a break-up?

Mad and crying, or rearing to go and ready to move on?

 

Facing Demons & Overcoming Stressors

Here’s as raw and real as I get…………..For the life of me, I can not win. I feel trapped in a story that’s so real that I wished it was a bad nightmare. My biological dad died a year ago this week, his funeral was a year ago today. Unfortunately, I’m reliving every moment from last year like it’s some horror story on repeat. I really hope it stops soon  but I honestly doubt it will for some time, if ever.

Life Stressors

My oldest boy is away for the night, rarely happens, so my anxiety is high. My youngest has been a lil daredevil all day, so I’m mentally and physically exhausted. And my fiance works 15 hours tomorrow, so there’s no help there. My house looks like a scene from Twister. I have no want, will, or desire to clean it up tonight. I swear, the toys multiply while I am away.

Now I don’t want to go to sleep. So a long night is in the making. Maybe I’ll actually get some cleaning done after all. As I sit here wondering, where does time go?  My dad’s funeral was one year ago today, yet I remember it like it was yesterday.

A Day in the Life

I go from 0 to 100 and back to 0 quicker than I ever imagined possible. One minute I’m the happiest person, and the next I’m the demon spawn everyone warns you about. This either happens occasionally or often, there’s just no telling.

This is the life inside a mentally ill persons mind. There’s no stopping the emotions and feelings from taking over at any given moment. I wished I could make the flashbacks go away. But I can’t, I have to persevere and overcome! I have to face my demons and pick myself up, realizing that this is part of who I am and that I’ve got this in the bag.

Processing Grief

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. There’s no time limit on grief either. I still hurt today like I did last year. Healing these wounds feels like one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I feel like if I move on that I’m somehow allowing myself to forget him.  I know this is irrational thinking, but what do you fear? My greatest fear is being abandoned. And that’s exactly how I feel now that my dad isn’t here anymore.
To make things even worse, now I’m starting to forget what his voice sounded like. And how he smelled. These are unwelcome happenings and I wished those things would be returned to me…..

You see, I only have a handful of memories of my biological dad. We rarely saw each other, I’m adopted, and sometimes went multiple years at a time without seeing him. So the memory of seeing my dad laying there dying is one of the few memories that I  have; and those have been burned permanently into my brain. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure how I’ve gone a year and still not completely processed this whole grief thing yet.

I loved him dearly! We weren’t always close in body but he was always with me in spirit. Just like he is now. I know he’s watching over me, cheering me on. I miss him more than words can describe.

So here’s to my dad, John Duncan.

May you rest in peace!

I love you daddy!


Here are a Few Coping Strategies 

Talk about the death of your loved one. – With colleagues, friends, or family. Denying the death is an easy way to isolate yourself.

Accept your feelings. – A flood of emotions will come. Emotions such as anger,  frustration, sadness, and exhaustion.

Take care of yourself and your family. – Eat well, exercise regularly, and get plenty of rest.

Reach out and help others deal with the loss. – Share stories with family members or remember their quirks. Share anything that will help you cope.

Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones. – This can be as simple as making a photo collage of your loved one. Or passing on the family name to a baby.

Join a support group. – They can be most beneficial. Some support groups are held at churches and often other places. Check Google for a support group near you.

Preserve their memory. – Create a memory garden. Do charity work in the name of your lost loved one.

Express and release your emotions. – Cry if it’ll help. Don’t worry if a memory makes you emotional, this is perfectly normal.


Do you have a story/memory you’d like to share? I’d love to hear it.

Finding Time, Making a Life

Busy much? I know I am but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make time. You should make time for your kids, time for your spouse,  and most importantly time for yourself. I know this is easier said than done. We find ourselves wrapped up in work, school, cleaning, yard work, and the other tasks of life. Often we forget that there are people who need, want, and crave our attention. My kids get most unruly when I dont spend enough time with them. Okay, yes I am a stay at home mom. So you say, “How is this possible?” Well I have a life to keep up with, kids to chase, work to do, cleaning to be done, food to be cooked, and school to do with the kids.

Making time for yourself and your spouse should also be equally important. My fiance has a crazy work schedule. It’s 5:23 am, and here we sit together spending time with each other. It doesn’t have to be any sense of normal. I’ve slept 3 hours tonight and will sleep 3 more this afternoon. I chose to spend time with him whenever I can. You see I was up half the night, til 1am, taking time for myself after the kids went to bed. This is how we choose to live our life. We have an extremely odd schedule, yes. We school first thing in the morning, usually starts at 10 and done by 2.Oh, the joys of homeschooling. Then I nap or work, it just depends. After that, it’s kid time. Then, when they are in bed, I have more work time to do blog things and such.

I have to pick my battles daily. These battles aren’t very major and seem petty but to me having a life and raising my kids is very important to me. So some days the dishes don’t get done, others schoolwork is not done, other days we just Netflix and chill and nothing gets done. I chose to spend time with the people who mean the most to me. There’s a quote that always hit home with me, “Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life!”

This hits home with me, I need to be involved in my own life. Don’t get so busy making money, cleaning the house, doing other thing and forget to make memories. Memories that will last a lifetime; these things are what is important. I’m glad I have the opportunity to be so involved. I give many thanks to my fiance! Love you’re family! It’s free, and is very valuable to them. Make the time! Even if it’s only a couple of hours. Some things can be left for tomorrow; our kids and spouse need us today.

Hope you have a wonderful day!