Here’s as raw and real as I get…………..For the life of me, I can not win. I feel trapped in a story that’s so real that I wished it was a bad nightmare. My biological dad died a year ago this week, his funeral was a year ago today. Unfortunately, I’m reliving every moment from last year like it’s some horror story on repeat. I really hope it stops soon but I honestly doubt it will for some time, if ever.
My oldest boy is away for the night, rarely happens, so my anxiety is high. My youngest has been a lil daredevil all day, so I’m mentally and physically exhausted. And my fiance works 15 hours tomorrow, so there’s no help there. My house looks like a scene from Twister. I have no want, will, or desire to clean it up tonight. I swear, the toys multiply while I am away.
Now I don’t want to go to sleep. So a long night is in the making. Maybe I’ll actually get some cleaning done after all. As I sit here wondering, where does time go? My dad’s funeral was one year ago today, yet I remember it like it was yesterday.
A Day in the Life
I go from 0 to 100 and back to 0 quicker than I ever imagined possible. One minute I’m the happiest person, and the next I’m the demon spawn everyone warns you about. This either happens occasionally or often, there’s just no telling.
This is the life inside a mentally ill persons mind. There’s no stopping the emotions and feelings from taking over at any given moment. I wished I could make the flashbacks go away. But I can’t, I have to persevere and overcome! I have to face my demons and pick myself up, realizing that this is part of who I am and that I’ve got this in the bag.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. There’s no time limit on grief either. I still hurt today like I did last year. Healing these wounds feels like one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I feel like if I move on that I’m somehow allowing myself to forget him. I know this is irrational thinking, but what do you fear? My greatest fear is being abandoned. And that’s exactly how I feel now that my dad isn’t here anymore.
To make things even worse, now I’m starting to forget what his voice sounded like. And how he smelled. These are unwelcome happenings and I wished those things would be returned to me…..
You see, I only have a handful of memories of my biological dad. We rarely saw each other, I’m adopted, and sometimes went multiple years at a time without seeing him. So the memory of seeing my dad laying there dying is one of the few memories that I have; and those have been burned permanently into my brain. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure how I’ve gone a year and still not completely processed this whole grief thing yet.
I loved him dearly! We weren’t always close in body but he was always with me in spirit. Just like he is now. I know he’s watching over me, cheering me on. I miss him more than words can describe.
So here’s to my dad, John Duncan.
May you rest in peace!
I love you daddy!
Here are a Few Coping Strategies
Talk about the death of your loved one. – With colleagues, friends, or family. Denying the death is an easy way to isolate yourself.
Accept your feelings. – A flood of emotions will come. Emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, and exhaustion.
Take care of yourself and your family. – Eat well, exercise regularly, and get plenty of rest.
Reach out and help others deal with the loss. – Share stories with family members or remember their quirks. Share anything that will help you cope.
Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones. – This can be as simple as making a photo collage of your loved one. Or passing on the family name to a baby.
Join a support group. – They can be most beneficial. Some support groups are held at churches and often other places. Check Google for a support group near you.
Preserve their memory. – Create a memory garden. Do charity work in the name of your lost loved one.
Express and release your emotions. – Cry if it’ll help. Don’t worry if a memory makes you emotional, this is perfectly normal.
Do you have a story/memory you’d like to share? I’d love to hear it.