It’s Pure Torture: Why it Chose Me…

I don’t have a clue why it chose me, my mental illness…Guess it thought I was strong enough to endure (and yes, I know and am aware that these types of things don’t choose people). I don’t know why it chose me, I’m not as strong as I would like to be. But strong enough to endure this mess, I guess, and that takes a really strong person. So yeah, in a sense I guess you could say I am strong! 

Strong enough to endure all the trials and tribulations that have led me to this point in my life. Strong enough to endure being an orphan as a child, strong enough to endure the numerous counts of molestation. Strong enough to endure the countless mood swings and the not so fun insecurities of being mentally ill. Strong enough to endure the never ending, non stop roller coaster of emotions that come with my illness. 

 So although I feel weak, there is strength buried deep within…

I just have to push through this moment and overcome! I will overcome all this madness that life likes to throw at me. Doesn’t mean my life’s easy, nothing worth doing is ever easy! I do it so I can be there for all those who need me, mainly my kids and my family.  Without them, I am not sure where I would be. 

I am strong enough! I love my life, and everything that it entails!

Here’s to the strongest people I know, to those who fight the daily struggle to adapt and overcome your own thoughts! Those who get up every day to keep fighting something that so badly makes your want to give up. I’m not one to give up, I may take a step back. But I refuse to let my illness win! 

So here’s why my mental illness chose me. It chose me because I am a person who no matter how hard things get, I won’t quit! It chose me because, ya know what, life throws you lemons sometimes. It chose me because I am a strong enough! It chose me because….I’m not really sure! But I am blessed! No matter how you look at life, remember you are blessed.

So no matter what I think, say, or do….

I am strong and I am enough! 
 

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Post Vacation Blues: Why I Hate My Mental Illness

So we have been home for 3 days now, today was back to work day for the fiance. I am struggling with the silence, wishing life had a rewind. I was so ready to come home by Saturday, now I am wishing I had lived up the vacation more.  I kept thinking about all the things I wanted to do, but by the time we got to the last 2 days I was not functioning properly. So not much got done, although we did have a nice cookout the day before we left.

I was also so exhausted, ever tried sleeping somewhere new and not being able to sleep? Well that is exactly what happened. I slept a total of maybe 30 hours while we were gone. That’s like 5 hrs a night!

I was up all night the day before we left so excited to be leaving, and also up all night the night before we left for home. I was extremely excited to get home! Irony at its finest, right! I am so upset that I feel like we missed out on 2 days of our vacation because of me…

I hate having a mental illness! Although it is a common occurrence now, mental illness is still rarely talked about… See the infographic below from NAMI, also go to their website to view the full infographic. Mental illness is still something that takes away even the most insignificant things. It also can become a serious life-changer for those unable to receive treatment…


Image result for mental health infographics for blogs


I feel like I have robbed my entire family of what should’ve been a great time because of my own issues. I feel like a failure for taking away something that was intended to be a joyous time. I feel like I should have been happy, yet I feel like my illness robbed me of my vacation. The incident with the car set me into overdrive, which I think played a big factor into all my emotions while there.

Everyone had a great time though, or so they say!

Now I sit here wishing and wondering what I could’ve done differently! I know in my mind I should be grateful, but how do you let the bad thoughts outweigh the good when everything  seems to have gone so wrong. I guess with all the hustle and bustle over, I am feeling pretty down on myself. Hoping and praying I could feel and get better, but knowing that isn’t possible.

So today I hate my mental illness for making me feel like poo….For making me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. For making me miss out on so many good and wonderful opportunities.

Now if you’d ask my kids and fiance if the vacation was a success, they would all tell you yes. That they had a great time! I don’t know why I let my mind get the better of me when I am sitting in silence. But it happens every time!

So how do I overcome these emotions? Well, it usually takes a finite amount of positive praise for me to feel like everything that I’ve done hasn’t been an epic failure…Thankfully my fiance is great at knowing just what to say to make me feel better!  So as I sit here talking to him via Facebook. I realize that everything was a success and that he is proud of how things turned out.

Sometimes I have to get my own head out of my own head too. This is usually accomplished by an extreme exercise routine or quilting. So as I sit here realizing it isn’t as bad as I think it is, I feel more at ease. This vacation destination was my idea,  now he can’t wait to get to go to his vacation destination.

So how do you overcome negative self-talk and/or emotions?

 

 

A-Z about Me

So today has been extremely busy for me, and tomorrow looks to be much of the same. I just wanted to post a fun post. So here are a few quick, quirky, and fun facts about me.

 

A- I can be annoying at times.
B- I am a basic person. All I need is the basics and I’m good.
C- I am crazy.
D- I am defiant at times.
E- I am eccentric 99% of the time.
F- I am a best friend to few but friends with all.
G- I am guarded to most everyone.
H- I am a honest person, sometimes too honest.
I- I am interested in new things.
J- I am just.
K- I am kind, until you do me wrong or mess with my kids.
L- I am very lenient with my kids.
M- I am a muncher, I chew things excessively.
N- I am not narrow-minded.
O- I love Obsidian!
P- I am a parent & a partner.
Q- I am quiet around new people.
R- I am rambunctious.
S- I am strange, I can’t stand to have my food touching on a plate.
T- I am trustworthy.
U- I am understanding.
V- I am veracious.
W- I am weird.
X- I love the sound of a xylophone.
Z- I love the smell of a Zippo lighter.

So that is all I have for you today! But in closing, I would like to let you know that I will be doing a  5 day series on Anger Management. That series will be starting next Monday, 8/15.